Really. What the 'eff am I doing? I have no idea. I've completely shut down. I can't write. I can't train. I can't write about training. I suddenly feel like I have nothing to contribute. I really wish I knew what my problem was. Well, that's not all entirely true. I'm back to training after my forced mini-taper (wife's surgery, kids illnesses, my illness, ugh). As of today I've only put-in 61 miles in February, 42 of which I've gotten-in since the 18th. Yeah, I'm running, but it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not excited about it. I'm not motivated. I'm fighting with myself just to get out the door or on the treadmill. But, I really can't write. Writing was such an important part of my training, I can't help but think that not writing has been affecting my training.
So, in a search for answers I just read-over a bunch of old posts and the comments that I received on them and said to myself "where's THAT guy?" That guy is who I am. That is the guy I want to keep me company on my long runs, he's the one that I've lost along the way. There was a time when I was inspired to write my story in order to motivate and inspire others. To show that truly anything is possible. To prove that ordinary people can do extraordinary things! Sometime after I ran Boston, this blog turned into a place to hang my race reports. I've been wondering for a long time what happened to my blog, where did all of my readers go? Blog hangover? For a while I was looking for somewhere/someone to place the blame on. But now I realize it's just me. It's my fault. I've lost my writing mojo, just as I've lost my running mojo and I've got to do something to get it back soon! I've got a friggin' marathon to run in 50 days! 50 days. The Boston Marathon for fuck's sake! This actually means that as of tomorrow, I have exactly 28 days of hard training before starting my taper! OhgodwhathaveIdone?
The fact is I've set a lofty goal for myself. I haven't felt very confident in my ability to achieve this goal, and therefore have been avoiding accountability by not blogging. What this has led to has been a lack of confidence in my abilities during training runs and it's seeping into every area of my life. The fact is that I need to put this out there and keep putting it out there until I either make it a reality or fall flat on my face. The reality of the situation is that I need you. I need you all more than ever! I need all of my twitter friends, my fellow dailymiler's, my facebook friends, my IRL friends and my family. I need your support. I'm asking, neigh begging for it! You see, I put it all out there last year when my main goal was simply to finish. And when the time came that I hit the wall and texted to Lex that I was "done" at 21.5, the thought of all of you cheering me on (and some drunk BC kids, and some strong words from Lex) got me going again. I've been laboring through this training season with a secret. Well not so much a secret as I just haven't made it an issue...
This year I'm going to run a BQ in Boston! I know, I know, I've made mention of it here and there. But I just haven't put it out there. I realize now that I need to put it out there, and put it out there regularly. I need to rally the troops behind me if I am going to accomplish this goal. I know this means taking nearly an hour off of my first marathon time of 4:14:09. I will be 40 this year and my BQ time is 3:20:59, and with the new "rolling" registration procedure, in order to even have a chance at running Boston again, I have to run a sub-3:15:00 marathon. Although I love running for charity, and running for the Children's Hospital "Miles for Miracles" Team has added so much meaning to my running, it's just too much. I really want to run Boston without the pressure of raising money. It's too much added onto the stress of training. And considering I'm trying to raise $10,000 this year, I feel I will have accomplished all that I can as a fundraiser. Besides there are so many other things that require my full attention and efforts (my duties as race director for Lex's Run for the MDA for instance).
I just hope that this cry for help isn't too late, I hope it's not falling on deaf ears at this point. I hope there are a lot of people out there that have occasionally checked back here and will be willing to read regularly again once I find my mojo again! Please let me know that you are still with me. I know you won't disappoint me!
Speaking of my fundraising, I've put together a virtual race to support my efforts. It's going to be a good time with lots of fun and prizes from my sponsor's! Check it out here - "36k for Miracles" Virtual Challenge